Why do I love love? // Gushing on Sekai Ichi Hatsukoi

Just this afternoon, I re-listened to the song for Sekai-Ichi Hatsukoi's first ending, Tomorrow I'm coming to see you and I was caught off guard by the lyrics. They tell of the speaker's desperate yearning for his beloved. Plus, the melody was catchy and sweet.

Feeling particularly inspired, I decided to watch the anime itself. 

Whoo boy!

—

The anime itself stars Ritsu Onodera and his boss, and first love, Masamune Takano. Onodera first meets him in his high school library, where they reach for the same book and their fingers brush against each other. Onodera apparently has been observing Takano for three years and is deeply in love, as his inner monologue repeats "I love you" three times.

Ten years later, Onodera resigns from his father's company to escape the nepo baby allegations and finds himself working at the same editing company as Takano. Of course, there are other side-couples but that's not really the point. Mainly, the point is to see Takano, in his yearning, reserved glory, try his very best to win Onodera over.

Iconic. Magical. Stunning.

Let's set the record straight. Sekai Ichi Hatsukoi isn't perfect.

Onodera is incredibly annoying at times. Across the two seasons, I see little or minimal character development. While Onodera's feelings intensify, his resolution on what to do about them remains unclear. Of course, the dubious consent with Takano's passionate kisses disturbs me sometimes but that's for a different essay.

What I want to talk about instead is Onodera's character. He's a nepo baby, being the son of the CEO of one of the top publishing firms in-universe, but he refuses to see himself that way. Like everyone else, he goes through the corporate grind. In fact, one can say he has it worse because he's emblazoned with the desire to 'make it on his own'.

His coworkers, including Takano, tell him not to beat himself up over his privilege. Yet, Onodera remains unsure of himself, wondering if he's even made to be a manga editor since everyone perceives him more as a nepo baby than an editor. He responds to this insecurity with burning passion to do better.

On top of this, we also have his angst. One warm-coloured morning on Takano's bed, Onodera asks the guy if he loved him and Takano laughs to himself. Onodera was pissed. He insists that Takano's taking a piss at him and that their whole young relationship was a joke. Heartbroken, he moves overseas to study and becomes a self-proclaimed jaded adult. 

It's not that love is pointless; it's just that he doesn't believe in trying anymore. He reads a confession scene in a shoujo manga and asks, "Should the main character be allowed to reach happiness so quickly?" but then chastises himself because "I've never really loved". He insists he won't bother anymore.

All this occurs as internal monologues. He screams to himself in the middle of the company cafeteria, head buried in the company's catalogue of published manga, hunched over his laptop to write a proposal to impress everyone. There goes my spiteful little boy! Let it out!

Takano lingers by the doorway, watching him.

—

This essay isn't about the anime, though. It's about my feelings instead. I squeal whenever Takano gives Onodera a look like he loves the guy all along.

My favourite scene occurs later in season one, where Onodera is in bed, complaining that Takano definitely loves someone else while Takano obsessively rings the doorbell outside. Takano eventually texts, "Where are you?". He doesn't reply to the text, obviously. He still thinks Takano loves someone else.

There's other scenes like when Onodera sleeps in the car and Takano glances at him. Or on the crowded train, where Onodera looks at the window, he catches Takano staring at him longingly. Or the few times when they're in bed together and Takano holds Onodera, runs his hands through his hair and holds him like he's something precious. Onodera's words, not mine. You get the picture.

A scene that'll matter later is when Onodera insists on collecting the manuscript despite a tight deadline. By the end of the debacle, Takano rests his head on his palm and says that he trusted Onodera this whole time. He trusted that Onodera could make the impossible happen because he knew he would give it his all to make sure things get done. 

"I've always liked that about you," he said. I tell you, my heart exploded.

As much as he's quick-tempered and prone to raising his voice, Takano is a competent person who can do his job well. Although he looks like he has everything together, he still yearns for Onodera. 

At the end of season two, when we see things from his perspective, we see why. His parents neglected him. He doesn't have friends. Yet, Onodera kept chasing after him and didn't take it personally when Takano chased him away. Onodera puts in (an obsessive amount of) time to connect with his interest in reading. Onodera makes Takano feel cared for. Onodera's the one who put the spark back in his eyes.

He loves Onodera; it's impossible to argue otherwise. Unless you're Onodera, in which case you can think of countless excuses. The contrast between a dense main character and his not-very-subtle pining love interest is delightful. The gap between their feelings and the relentless pursuit to close it is what gives this show its appeal.

—

I give so much context because I want to talk about why I love (the idea of) love. Let's start with my first hypothesis.

In this day and age, where everyone's rushing here and there, we want to feel that there's someone out there looking out for us, that there's someone who wants to listen to us vent, gush and reflect. As we're obsessed with our immediate sphere of life, we're secretly looking out and yearning for someone who'd selflessly give us time out of their busy lives. To put it bluntly, we just want someone who cares about us.

A romantic relationship implies exclusivity, the idea that two people will share parts of their life together like a covalent bond, that they'll always be there for each other and that they'll share this special bond that nourishes and heals each other.

As an introverted person without many friends, I feel envious. I feel lonely a lot, and I want someone like that who just 'gets me'. I want someone with whom I can share interests and inside jokes. I want someone who rejuvenates me every time we talk and makes me feel understood and cared for. 

In Sekai Ichi Hatsukoi, Onodera repeatedly emphasises that he knows nothing about Takano. This is so because the rival Yokozawa flaunts his close friendship with him and, out of care for Takano, keeps telling Onodera to stop messing with Takano's feelings. Onodera is often discouraged and thinks to himself like oh, Takano-san should be with Yokozawa-san... I don't know anything about him...

When it's like, dude, Takano loves you. Stop moping around!

But this persistence on self-loathing appeals to me. I often get envious of my friends' good traits. I often think I'm not a good friend and that I'm not present enough, that I don't know them and that about them. I feel I'm not listening well enough. I feel that my friends all have someone they'd rather be with. I'm the second choice. My friends don't like me as much as I like them.

Of course, this is all rather silly (as in who am I to assume what other people think of me!) but the feelings do 'get to me'. I want someone who can look at me and say, 'yes, you're annoying but I still like you'. Someone who'd be loyal and hear me out.

It's not that Onodera wants to be Takano's first choice (though that's definitely it in the long run), it's just that he wants to feel secure. Takano can say he loves the guy all he wants but if Onodera refuses to believe it, it doesn't mean anything, unfortunately. Instead, I think Onodera wants reassurance that he deserves to feel proud of himself and, by extension, loved.

—

You just need someone to think you're special to keep trying again. I swear I heard that from Super Crooks, but I can't fact-check. That's my second point for this essay/ramble of sorts.

Back to the anecdote I brought up earlier. When Yokozawa gives him the side-eye, Onodera gets flustered and apologises for holding up the production schedule. Nonchalantly, Takano said he wasn't worried because he trusted Onodera. 

I've always liked that about you. 

It's a key moment for good reason. Onodera constantly defines himself against his nepo-baby status because he's always afraid that no one will see him as anything else. And Takano sees him as someone dependable, someone who's not only enthusiastic but also someone with the guts and tenacity to make things happen. 

For someone with the pressure to deliver, that's a very attractive personality, outweighing the fact that Onodera's a dysfunctional, boy-failure, nepo-baby.

I think that's another aspect to this romance that I genuinely enjoy. I'm not a nepo-baby in my line of corporate work. Like Onodera anyway, I feel dread creeping into every moment.

I don't feel like I'm good enough to do my job. I feel like I go to work and waste my time doing things that don't matter. At my work, I'm not the best and never will be. I'll get fired. I'll be looked down on. I won't do anything exciting and even if I do, how long will the bragging rights last? The project won't even be mine, it'll be the company's. 

This low self-esteem doesn't stop at the professional level. Personally, I'm an awkward person. I find it hard to initiate and sustain small talk on everyday things like the weather, travelling trips or even what I did over the weekend. I don't want to be a bother and yap too much, but I also don't want to be so dry that I respond with only a single blunt sentence.

I'm also very shy. I find it hard to talk about my interests without second-guessing myself to people who don't understand. I'm very deeply insecure, as you can see, and it's quite annoying. I'm not the kind to go out a lot on my own. I'm not exactly the prettiest either. I doubt Onodera's issues run that deep but my point still stands.

Everyone is going through the same corporate grind where life, vitality and imagination are constantly sucked out of us. We feel beat whenever we come home. We feel almost worthless like wow is this all there is? Am I really nothing more than a cog in the machine? And then, there's the personal failings, too. Without the mental space to reflect away from stress, these insecurities build and become part of our everyday lives.

Amidst this hopelessness, there's the hope that someone we admire would look at us and say we're more than the parts we hate most. That we are more than that. 

Love, to me, is someone smiling at you and saying 'welcome home'. It's someone patting your head and encouraging you to keep going. It's someone who you can talk about your feelings with productively and healthily that makes you feel understood, while also helping you understand them for how beautiful and interesting they are.

—

I guess in other words, before this essay gets too bloated, I want to be the light of someone else's life. Likewise, I hope to be the light of someone else's life.

Love is beautiful because it involves two people suffering the corporate grind to share their lives together to create something fulfilling. I guess that's why I love love, or at least the idea of it. I want to think that there's more to life and relationships. I envy people in relationships because it looks like they have it all figured out. Of course, it isn't always like that but won't it be nice to have someone you can trust to that extent?

At any rate, I'm not rushing to find my first love. I enjoy spending time alone and writing essays like this. I guess, I should wait for the right person. Once I do, that'll be the world's greatest first love.

Calendar Reflections // March, April, June, December

 

Hi everyone! For context, I made calendars last year, and this year, I want to make another one! For the past couple of weeks/days, I've made some progress, so let's talk about it.

—

March

This is the first piece I created. I made a reel about it on Instagram, but the gist is that I wanted to create a piece inspired by a bookmark I made of Whitebeard during Mermay.

Thing is, I didn't want to draw Whitebeard exactly, but I wanted to capture his vibe—big man with a fancy moustache and flowing blonde hair. 

Going into this, I also knew that I wanted to have fun with text. I like this font called Scriptina Pro by CheapProFonts on DaFont. It's big, bold, swoopy loops complement his swirling hair perfectly. When I actually render this, I want to have strands of hair weave in and out of the text.

March // Poseidon

Inspired by that bookmark, I wanted to replicate the composition of a big man suspended in space, relaxed and poised. Initially, I thought it would be fun to draw a kelp forest as the background again, where the swaying kelp frames the subject to emphasise his large size compared to familiar-ish natural elements.

However, the canvas size isn't very suitable for a composition like that. Kelp is long and vertical, while the calendar size is squat and horizontal. Besides, the subject himself takes up too much space. It's not practical to include a detailed background plus text if I want this calendar to be usable.

An alternative view of his hair. I didn't like how all his hair is bunched to one side. It looks unnatural. I have since changed it so the parting is more well-spread.

It's hypothetical for now, but I'm thinking of a beachy scene for the colours. The subject rests on the seabed, as water crashes in and out slowly. A faint, golden sunlight ripples on his chest, giving a much-needed contrast to an overall turquoise-coloured piece.

Instead of kelp, I'm going to draw ships drifting in and out, flowing over his hair. I also want him to be half-submerged in water, where his chest and the upper portion of his stomach are suntanning, while the rest of him will be submerged in shallow blue water. Again, he's so large that the shallower end of the ocean is essentially his bed.

While I didn't know it at the time, this is the piece that sets the creative direction moving forward. I want every page to feature a big man, whose size is emphasised by their surrounding landscape. 

—

April

Isn't this font gorgeous? It's called Albrega Changes, created by 177Studio. It's a chunky font with a slight whimsical twist, with the occasional curl. It's serious and solid, but with a playful twist.

It matches my subject's serious expression, while also complimenting the way his hair and moustache curl at the ends. Plus, it helps me cover up bits of his shoulder that I'm not very confident in.

April // The Gathering Spot Among Elasmosaurus

At any rate, I was inspired by dinosaurs. I got dinosaur stickers at the illustration fair I went to and figured, why not draw them? I mean, I don't want to run out of ideas, and I have never explored dinosaurs as a motif before. Plus, as there were lots of wonderful images of dinosaurs on Pinterest.

Illustration made by William Stout

Originally, I wanted to depict a tropical rainforest scene lush with large leaves and foliage. In the middle of that scene, rests a large merman sitting idly in a pool of water, large and tired, surrounded by big dinosaurs like the T-rex. The illustration above is close to what I'm imagining.

I liked the idea, but it was too similar to an earlier piece I had done for a seperate project. Besides, I didn't want to be repetitive, so I searched around for an alternative idea and I found it on Twitter of all things.

Someone on Twitter posted pictures of this old man from Castlevania with the hilarious caption—just because the wrapper is crumpled, it doesn't mean the candy isn't sweet. 

At any rate, I thought the old man was handsome with long white hair, bushy facial hair and wrinkles. He has a haggard look to him. If it weren't for his build and elegant outfit, I'd think he's homeless, and there's an appeal to it. I decided that he will be my muse for now, especially since he looks older than Poseidon.

At the time, it could've worked but I wanted to try something else.

Hmm...

Yes, yes, I agree my art style at the time wasn't working as well as it should, but it was a good, earnest attempt. I liked the angular jaw, his bushy eyebrows and even the elegant hair. 

However, I didn't like his beard, the angle of the face also didn't match the pose, and I struggled with proportions. His head always looked too big, or his body too skinny. It just didn't work. I kept saying, 'oh I'll draw a skinny body type for once' but then I didn't like it. Hence, I had to move on and redraw him.

I decided to turn his head to the side like the original reference picture, and I liked it more. I also cut his hair, fearing the long hair would be too repetitive if done consecutively. I worry about this but I insist on having a long moustache anyway. Ideally, I should get rid of that too...

For reference, I looked at one of my favourite artists Burning_Nipple on Twitter. I love how they draw Roger, and so I referenced his his messy, short haircut. I think it looks better.

I sent this ask in!! I'm so honoured they replied me!!

Last notes before I move on, I love the way I drew his back. It has so much texture and form. For now, I won't clean the sketchy lines up too much. It'll be cool to depict a subject with wrinkles on his body, a sign of strength and ageing.

I suppose if I could critique this, I'd like to have more landscaping elements like little islands and rocks, rather than have the dinosaurs simply float around. It'll be more dynamic that way. Also, the dinosaurs featured here are called Elasmosaurus—what a name, right?

—

December

I may or may not change the font for the header for this one, but I see the appeal. 

It's called Fashion Mode, made by Nirmana Visual. It exudes elegance with its uniform height and overall thin lines. It vaguely reminds me of the icy setting this piece is located in, so that's why I haven't been very enthusiastic in finding a replacement.

December // Slow-moving Ice Water

Even if not the most technically impressive, I adore this iteration. I like that the subject is casually leaning back against some mountains, half-submerged in icy-cold water. He gazes at the sky above.

This only came about after failing once, and you'll see it below. I thought the subject was cute when I first drew him. Now, though, he makes me uncomfortable. Perhaps it's just me superficially saying he's not very attractive.

My scrapped iteration

The pose almost worked. If I tweaked the perspective on the mountains, it could work as a prince staring up at the reader for forgiveness. Plus, his face is almost handsome. I liked the way I did his eyes, the way his iris isn't very clearly defined. He looked blind, and that's an idea I want to experiment with when I start rendering.

Looking at it, I wonder if this piece is enough compared to the other pages. I made peace with it eventually.

Since December is the end of the year, I think it'll be cool if this piece is relatively not so ambitious. It indicates peace, an end to a very stunning collection and an expectation for the future ahead.

A more human representation. I almost went with this... Maybe next time.

On that note, you might notice the weird shading on his back. I wanted to make clear that he's a narwhal. A narwhal's back is darker in colour, compared to its paler belly. It'll be clearer when I start colouring, but that was my intention with the textures for now. The colour scheme would be a white wintry landscape, with a burst of sunlight bouncing off the side of his flowing hair, contrasted by his darker skin on the back.

I originally wanted to include body hair like a bear here. I like the mix of subtle noise-like textures and hair indicated by quickly-drawn lines. It feels real and solid, especially compared to the faded and smooth texture of the ice surrounding him.

He's undeniably handsome, but it doesn't get that magical, otherworldly vibe I get from the version I ultimately went for. He feels too human for a piece that's supposed to be supernatural.

—

June

Also, in case it's not clear, I'm not going to talk about these spreads in any consecutive order.  I hope this doesn't upset anyone.

At any rate, June is Pride Month. It feels like a special occasion in my head, so I figured it'll be fun to try something new. Instead of a big merman, why not just a big man, with smaller mermen?

I had a few ideas before settling, so bear with me as I deliberately stall revealing the final spread. You'll see why. It's quite special. 

Draft 1

If I were drawing this for fun, I might've pursued this composition further. His wet, curly hair is giving a handsome male lead in a cheesy romance novel. I sense the potential of fine stubble along his jaw. His smile is peaceful and romantic. In short, he's a good-looking man.

Yet, I must scratch this idea because the text doesn't fit properly. If I made him smaller to give the text more space, it would feel like I'm compressing him, which doesn't feel natural. Back to the drawing board!

Draft 2

Better. At least there's more room for text.

I experimented with drawing the back view, saving this casual, lounging sideways for a different illustration. I liked the image of large shoulders tapering down to a sharp waist and smooth hips. 

The subject here encapsulates what I'm going for. Dare I say, it's my best attempt at drawing the ever-elusive back-view. I can almost feel the warmth of his shoulders. Yes, his hips might be too wide, but it's still a pleasing shape. I also liked how gentle his face looked. 

Looking back, it's not ugly per se, just maybe not the kind of composition I want to stamp my name on. I like the idea of a merman as big as cliffs. More specifically, a big man rising from the ocean to greet a small human lover. I'm saving that for a future drawing. For now, I want to refine this idea.

June // Peach Season

As of penning this blogpost, this is my favourite spread. In the front, we have the figure of a curvy, muscular man smiling pleasantly at a crowd of mermen admiring him. They'll be small, compared to him, and it'll be fun to entertain the idea of a human man with lots of lover-mermen.

For his back, I was inspired by the opening shots of Sabrina Carpenter's Espresso music video where the director's name is written on a golden back, almost stamped on a red, sun-burnt skin. 

That explains the odd-looking typography there. I meant it when I said I wanted to be more experimental with the layouts. For the font, I literally typed 'summer' into Dafont and came across this lovely font called Summer Script by Xerographer Fonts.

It's this handwritten, slightly scratchy cursive font, as if someone wrote with a dip pen. When I traced it, I subconsciously rounded off the edges, so it might not be very obvious, especially when I warped it to make it bend around his back. However, I like it a lot. It's charming and suits the romantic atmosphere I'm going for.

Speaking of layouts and typography, I appreciate that the dates look like they fit into the illustration, occupying the shape of the pond in the distance. I wonder if I can maintain this level of excellence.

—

Some last words

These are just the first four pieces. There are eight more to go, and I'll share them with you in due course once I've finished.

For now, I have two illustrations in mind. 

For May, I'm thinking of a summer scene full of flowers, inspired by Chungha's Play and Red Velvet's Cosmic. A figure will emerge from a refreshing pool of water as sunlight shines on them. I wonder if the colour palette will be too repetitive, but let me handle that when I actually start work on it.

For the spooky month of October, I want to incorporate bioluminescence from deep-sea creatures into the composition. This is something that'll be interesting to try printing—stark black shadows with neon colours for lights. I want my subject to be a little freaky but still endearing and attractive.

Some interesting ideas in the KIVs, so let's see how far I can take this in another update.

Thanks for reading!

My Masters Thesis (ideally... For now)

I'm starting Masters soon, and I have a weird foreboding feeling that everything will go horribly. I can't do anything. I'll disappoint everyone who believes in me. I'll fall from grace (whatever that means) and I'll be branded as a failure. 

These doubts culminate so much in my head that, as a way to cope, a small voice in my head says, 'eh but what if you never wanted to do masters? Won't it be easier to just go work instead? Why bother?' I want to give up because it's easier to wallow in mediocrity, dreaming, 'oh man, if only' rather than actually face the fear of change. 

Naturally, it's normal to feel this way after what's essentially an hour-long info dump about the responsibilities. In hindsight, I'm thankful that I know the forms and everything I have to do before the semester starts, rather than scrambling. 

Five minutes ago, however, I had a revelation that grounded me. Underneath all this angst and administrative work, the paper itself is what matters most. Isn't that the point? The research? It reminded me of the sloppy research proposal before applying. Let me quote my thesis. 

In its inherent instability and constant movement, the act of travelling grants travellers the space away from the status quo to embrace that meaning and happiness comes from being receptive to change. This paper will add to conversations on travel literature by considering contemporary examples of the genre.

 

In other words, travelling helps you find yourself.

Do I buy it now? No. I guess that's one fear I have going into this, the self-awareness. I don't know what I'm doing, and I feel like an impostor in a very cool academic world full of smart people.

This blog entry is then to refine my thoughts. It's not a new thesis, but rather a backbone. It's the reason why I've decided to put my angst and fear aside and face my Master's program head-on. 

I have something I believe in, and I want to write about it.

—

I'm reading three books for this: On the Road by Jack Kerouac, Between Stations by Boey Kim Cheng and City of Small Blessings by Simon Tay. Somewhere, somehow, these books are about travelling.

For Kerouac, travelling is fast, wild and maddening. At times, the novel overwhelms the reader with details about the speed of the journey and the sweaty passion found in jazz musicians. At other times, he bitches and complains about things. At any rate, there's never a dull moment. The tone swings from adventurous, contemplative and even serene in the quiet scenes where he's allowed to take things slow.

For Boey, travelling is meditative. It's about exploring the scenery and connecting with others. It's about feeling at home in even the most foreign and faraway places. In an urbanised Singaporean landscape that feels soulless and heartless without the places he grew up in as a child, Boey finds comfort in Calcutta, Alexandria, cities that preserve the old. Leaving home reminds him of what it means to feel at home.

Putting these together, an argument forms that travelling is wonderful because it makes you process things slowly. There's no need to always run around if you can help it. You are allowed to take things slow and want a break. Life is tough no matter where you go. Nothing is ever perfect.

As these novels show, though, there's always an opportunity to find meaning and connection, no matter how fleeting. Meaning comes from slowing down and appreciating the world around you.

Suppose I had to choose between being motion sick in a car with Dean Moriarity driving way past the driving limit or eating grapes by a railway station with a beautiful woman and her child on a Californian summer night. In that case, I know I'll choose getting so hungry that I start hallucinating about my English mother being upset with me hundreds of years ago.

—

In contrast, Tay's novel presents to us the yearning for groundedness. Yes, he travelled. Having grown up in Singapore and lived through the Second World War, Bryan emigrated to Canada on a whim before returning to Singapore. It's an interesting journey, but we barely get any content about that.

Instead, we get stories of him cycling at dawn, his days as a principal, his feeling alienated from modern Singapore and eventually his attempt at activism to defend his right to stay in his new home.

On top of that, when we switch to his son's perspective, Peter, we get even more stories about the little things—his relationship with his roommate and girlfriend, the food his mother likes to cook, his time growing up. We even have Peter telling us Bryan's stories, from when Bryan was a transcriber at a Japanese camp, to his love story with Anna. 

None of these anecdotes is about travelling. It's more accurate to say the novel celebrates a sense of place—of never leaving—of feeling like you have a stake in the place you're in and the people you surround yourself with. 

I dare say it's a wild take to suddenly introduce a different novel into the mix, but the difference is refreshing.

City of Small Blessings speaks to Between Stations. Both lament Singapore losing its character and charm in urbanisation. City of Small Blessings would be one of those people who judge the Dean's ethos of never sitting still. Bryan values respectability, his home and his loved ones and fights for it. Meanwhile, people like Dean seem to not care about anyone but themselves (even that is debatable since he broke his thumb and always seems to never have enough money). 

Looking at it broadly, City of Small Blessings represents the stability that the other two novels fight for. Heck, even the title—On the Road and Between Stations imply an impasse, but the City of Small Blessings implies a clear destination—reflects this. Despite this, we start the book with Bryan saying he'll lose his home, and we end it with Bryan dying.

If all goes well, I'd like to say that City of Small Blessings forces us to look deeper into where meaning in life comes from. After all, even when things go wrong, Bryan can still leave the world peacefully with his small family next to him. How?

If there is someone to love us for that weak humanity, for that wound we have hidden in all our strength and pride, there can be love, there can be a home (Tay 218).

I think that's the point of all this moving around and thinking. Underneath all the premiums we put on identity, freedom and even a purpose in life, I argue that everyone just wants to feel like they belong, that someone cares about them, and their existence is valid as it is.

People in On the Road and Between Stations travel because they're searching for this feeling or at least, searching for the next step to feel that way. Sal complains about Dean because he likes the guy and wants to be friends (some might even say boyfriends). Boey bemoans his loneliness and loss because he wants to feel like he belongs, where he can look at something and say 'yeah, I do this' rather than 'back when this was still here, I'd do this'.

In other words, everyone wants to be happy in their own skin and surroundings.

—

This brings me back to what I said at the start. I'm doing this because there's something I believe in. This is what I believe in.

As a young person, I want my life to matter and that I can live it with the people I love and doing what I enjoy. I struggle with feeling like I'm never doing enough and that I'm always a step away from disappointing everyone, including myself.

When I open these books, I find myself saying, 'hell yeah!' to most reflective moments they have. It's a joy to flip through these pages and read about these people. They remind me that life is absolutely worth living, no matter where you are.

From this, this is my goal: I want to write a paper that gives my readers hope.

I don't want to be a writer who writes long, boring papers about god-knows-what and theories that most undergraduate students barely understand. I don't want to be an academic who talks and writes about literature in a stuffy, convoluted way. Instead, I want my writing to have purpose, to inspire others that literature is fun, that there's something universal about the human experience, no matter where and when you are.

Maybe all this is me being silly and unrealistic, but I genuinely think academia can be more fun and relevant to what actual people go through in daily life.

I'm not cut out to be an academic, I know this. I'm a marketing girlie. I draw suggestive things. I listen to K-pop, and I have a poor attention span. I'm not a super smart intellectual with millions of ideas for research papers. Yet, there's something I want to say as a young person, and that's why I'm here doing a Master's.

A record for a new art project I want to do

 

Up to this point, I'm working on an extensive art book project in a bid to make drawing fun again. I wrote a little bit here, and I made a YouTube series where I document my thoughts and process to creating these pages. In sum, though, I've been feeling bored with my work as of late and desperately wanted to give my work some purpose and the opportunity to try new things.

Out of the twenty-four illustrations I have planned, I've officially started work on fifteen and finished three. The video below should give more context as to what I'm doing.

While I adore (almost) everything I've made so far, there's a little nagging in my brain that I want something else. Thus far, I've drawn nothing but fan art—nothing wrong with that, of course—and I think I'm ready for something new... 

In other words, I want to draw some original characters! Have some diversity in my portfolio. Now that the finish line for this art book project is in the distance, I figure why not give this new project some thought!

—

K-pop.

Yes, what a wonderful way to start this. For as long as I can remember, I have loved listening to K-pop, and it's pretty much my only source of music. 

Beyond the popular names like Blackpink and BTS, the industry boasts a wide catalogue of groups and soloists, each with their own signature brand and sound. NCT comes to mind here. They're well-known for their 'noise music' nonsense. Highly controversial, but you know something is 'neo' when you hear it.

I've been here since 2012, the rough rise of 3rd gen. This is the time when I wrote fan fiction, did fan art and had delusions about dating them. I logged off for a while in favour of a brief anime phase before coming back when 4th gen's starting to rise, when I heard Promise by ATEEZ for the first time. 

I've been here a while, so here's a playlist of my favourite songs.

As you can see, they're (mostly) arranged by alphabet. Isn't it cool, one illustration dedicated to each letter of the alphabet, except X, because there just aren't many songs with that name...

—

Furries.

Yes, what a wonderful way to start this section. Yes, I don't know how else to introduce this section.

I'm not ashamed to admit that I like furry art, especially the not-safe-for-work sort. I love how expressive and colourful everything is. Yes, the attention to anatomy is good, too!

Plus, I enjoy drawing animals just as much as plants, so the idea of drawing anthropomorphic creatures has had a certain allure for years. Besides, human faces are a pain to nail down sometimes. When I've decided that I want to draw some original characters, I pumped my fist in the air (in my head), thinking I can finally do this. It's funny how I don't give a lot of ideas a chance.

At any rate, I've decided that I shall draw anthropomorphic creatures in scenes inspired by the images conjured in my head whenever I listen to my favourite songs. 

I choose them over conventional humans because I don't want to be limited by things like skin tone. If I want to draw a blue parrot for blue hour, I'll do just that. The freedom to play with colour and shape is very attractive. If possible, it'll also be fun to draw an Ant for the letter A or a Tiger for Trampoline. Indeed, I care this much about the little things.

—

Some specs, if you will.

All of my illustrations for the art book project is done in A4, which is what I'm used to. However, I don't want to make another book. And then, I thought, why not bookmarks!

My bookmark of Whitebeard, everyone says looks like Poseidon.

These bookmarks measure 35mm by 55mm, which feels smaller than I thought. Nonetheless, I have a soft spot for long illustrations, regardless of orientation. Details just sprawl from one end to the next, creating a pleasing flow that guides the eye from one end to another. I figure this is the perfect chance to play with this aspect ratio and create something magical I can hold and give people.

An art book, plus new bookmarks. That sounds like a fun lineup for the year. Thinking about it already excites me. Since K-pop is a topic close to my heart, perhaps I'll do a better job documenting everything that goes into the process of making this. Perhaps. At present, this blog post archives my excitement on starting this project.

An Afternoon Bathing // Artist Study

Before I make a video and forget the plot again, I've decided to pen my thoughts down before I even start colouring. Like my Ode to the Colour Purple illustration (that's not what it's called, but I don't have another more appropriate name), I'm inspired to create something in another artist's homage. This time, my idol's name is Igor Shcherbakov.

—

Somewhat frequently, I see Scherbakov's work all over Pinterest. More specifically, this painting, called Two on a Bridge, an oil painting depicting two subjects lounging by an overgrown pond. 

Closer to the viewer, we have a tanned masculine back rendered in blue shadows with spots of sunlight, hunched over a rickety wooden plank bridge. He gazes at a pale-skinned woman stretching, her arms featuring this pink tint that glows against the cool blue tone of her body.

Due to the angle, the painting captures a wide view of the pond. In the distance, where the sunlight shines, green and brown lilly pads float into the scene and rest along the curve of the pond, where wild grass, rendered in rough strokes, creates a loose border to encircle the subjects.

Scherbakov renders water ripples in a rather unique way that's vaguely reminiscent of impressionistic brush strokes that prioritise loose brush strokes over realism.

Bright indigo highlights swirl on the water's surface, paralleling the slight curve of the wooden plank. They're swirls of a solid colour, reflecting neither the sky above nor the water bed underneath. Considering how dark the water looks, the swirls look like oil, giving the impression that it's a slow, humid day for the subjects.

—

My first mockup

Hi, YouTube! I probably did a terrible job explaining myself in my video. I'm a better writer than a talker, so may this blurb guide you towards understanding my creative vision. :)

This is the first mock-up for my illustration where Vista is bathing by a pond. I talked a little more about that in this video, but the tldr is, I wanted to portray a sense of calm and tranquillity on a blistering hot day.

In hindsight, this colour palette isn't bad! The purples mingle beautifully with orange highlights, so much so that it turned his dark brown hair to this faded purple. The greens were pleasant to look at, and so were the pops of blues. 

However, while creating this, I was just irritable and very stressed because it doesn't look right. The values didn't line up, and I was confused about where the light should come from. 

Originally, I wanted him to be in shadow while the environment shines in sunlight. Somehow, that didn't work for m,e and I couldn't give up giving him rim lighting along his face and chest. 

Additionally, Vista's warm skin tone and purple water background don't match. As much as his body should have that slight purple glow from the water, the water should also reflect his skin tone. Or, the water should have some orange because water is reflective. I worked hard on my second iteration to reflect that insight.

Second iteration

Not a bad attempt! 

It's more cohesive. The oranges and greens are not as stark of a contrast as the blues and oranges I envisioned. I like the emerald greens in the background paired with some lovely yellowish-greens. The hints of purple were a nice callback to the original idea, injecting whimsy.

I can see why I wanted to go with this. It makes sense, and the values were clearer. Plus, this version more clearly communicates daytime with its more yellowish tint, which implies sunlight, rather than the first iteration, which feels more nighttime. 

However, it lacks the whimsy of the previous iteration, so I couldn't go with it even if it felt 'easier' to execute.

Back to the drawing board!

Third iteration

Literally the following morning (today), I tried to do better and the results were... 

Well, it's a little odd. It's not the worst. I fixed the cohesiveness issue from the first iteration with an overlay layer that creates a dark, bluish-purple shadow over his person. This overlay blending mode also lets me add red highlights like the subtle hints of it found in Scherbakov's painting, so I'll keep it.

Yet, it has yet to meaningfully incorporate those warm yellows I like so much from the second. If anything, they looked out of place in the purple water. Nonetheless, it's a step closer towards the colours I'm thinking of.

Fourth and final (?) iteration

So here we are now! It's still not an afternoon scene set at noon like I promised in my video, but it's certainly passable for a late afternoon scene if I preserve this orange light.

I like the purple on the four corners framing the piece, pushing our attention towards the subject and the leaves just behind him. I think some lily pads should be purple to keep the colours unified—it doesn't have to be realistic—and add some visual interest to the overall scene so it won't just be green, green, green.

While the rest of the illustration will feature rough brush strokes in the overlay layer, I'll do away with the red dappled lights I showed earlier. I still want a clean polish to everything after all. Instead, I'll rough those in on a separate layer for more control over the textures.

Another thing I want to add is sunlight above everything, creating a hazy golden glow that makes the piece feel intimate, like we're really intruding on something. It'll also contrast nicely against the shadows, which I find too dark.

Generally, this is super pretty and has lots of room to develop. I love doing colour mockups like this because they give me a very early indication of what my vision could look like. If I pull it off here, it'll take a load off me and allow me to focus on cleaning up the lines and rendering. 

Is this a good representation of Scherbakov's work? No, far from it. However, I don't regret attempting this experiment. His artistry is beyond me. He depicts the human form with such loose, expressive strokes while imbuing substance to their bodies, and that's something to aspire towards. 

I guess that's the fun of studying others. You raise your standards as you try and chase their's.

An Ode to the Colour Purple

Soon, I'd post my video about embracing purple in my most recent illustration. It's this purple night scene with a beauty sitting on the thicker ends of a protruding tree root with long black hair streaming down his back, surrounded by glowing stars.

My illustration

Before posting it everywhere on social media, I'll bump the saturation up so that the purples and pinks can shine in their glory. It's a unique piece in my portfolio. I don't usually use this many cool tones, preferring warm oranges, bold reds and happy yellows. 

Yet, there's an allure here. It's magical, shining and an ode to how beautiful purples and pinks can be.

The same piece but more saturated. See the beauty in it?

—

This piece is inspired by an artist named Erin Kate Archer, "a new york-based artist creating ethereal mixed media paintings", according to her bio on her website. Although I'll mention her in my video more concretely, I want to take the time to articulate my thoughts properly here. (Hi nuggets who clicked my YouTube description!)

I first discovered her work through an Instagram reel where she dabs on acrylic paint, smooth as butter, onto the canvas for her painting Ever Onward. 

It features three women in a forest lit with morning sunlight where the trees are a bright, cloudy blue, against a peachy skyline peeking through the gaps. 

The three women are rendered in pastel strokes, where the hot pink underpainting quietly shines through. Little twinkling stars dot their hair and garments, making them look like princesses, ethereal guardians from another world leading their horse to a world hidden behind a mess of trees.

Throughout her work, Archer likes to embed her faceless women in lush foresty scenes, set at dawn, where the worlds are dominated by pinkish cool tones with hints of sunlight. For the longest time, I thought cool tones were, well, cold, unwelcoming, sophisticated and detached. 

Yet, I look at Archer's work and I think purples and pinks with a dash of blue create scenes of intimate affection between women. Oranges peek through the gaps of her paintings, little by little, through the sky and the subjects' skin tones, often enough to bring contrast to the scene.

I see this most vividly in her painting Woven Together, my number one colour reference for this piece. 

Also rendered in acrylic paint, the painting depicts seven girls in a circle in some overgrown grass, weaving together a tapestry of stars. Her technique shines the most here, where loose brush strokes form leaves and heart-shaped weeds, and texture on the trees, while reserving the precise lines for the glowing white stars in the centre.

Most of all, however, I fell in love with how she rendered the trees. Rich saturated purples for the shadows and hot pink for the highlights. If you were wondering why I complained about colour models on my Instagram, this is why. I wanted to capture these colours for myself, to inject a dreamy quality that feels absent in my work but that I admire.

In a way, I have. If I saturate the colours enough, I'll easily achieve these pinks and purples. While I think I could've injected more warm tones for contrast, I'm still pleased with how it turned out. The piece is a fun experiment, a foray into a colour palette that felt out of reach for so long in my artistic process.

Our Planet Silly Reflections

I need background noise when I draw. I find it so odd to just shut up and focus without a single decibel of audio playing. Even in the quietest environments, like an office or a library, I need to put on music or an excessively long and interesting video. Blame it on my low attention span, but I somehow need that audio texture to convince my mind to focus on a task rather than the empty, silent void.

After exhausting all the interesting videos I could find on VTuber drama, I didn’t know what I wanted to do. I didn’t want to watch One Piece or any anime because I’d be more obsessed with reading subtitles or musi,c because I feel like I’m wasting time chasing good music. Hence, I realised I could put on a documentary—something intellectual but also long-running.

Meet Our Planet.

It’s two seasons long on Netflix and is narrated by David Attenborough. It’s a documentary on animals living in all the little corners of the earth: the white ice lands, lush green tropical forests, and blue oceans lit by sunlight. Attenborough’s narration is sophisticated but also playful and compassionate, a treasure, truly. 

—

Our Planet often showcases brilliant shots of nature. Wide, overhead shots of the ocean where dolphins and whales splash in and out, panning drone shots of rainforest canopies with extravagant trees or close-ups of little ants on the trees or the seal cub are some examples.

There is an artistry I can appreciate. Backgrounds are beautifully softened out, and for the small creatures, every little detail is emphasised with superior camera quality and good lighting. 

The camera is also always there to capture the zenith of some violence—a stampede of walruses or the way dolphins and birds conspire together to hunt for anchovies swimming in coordinated whirlpools like a dance. 

It’s there for the sadness, like a baby flamingo who trips and falls with salt accumulating on its legs like chains or a chunk of ice falling into the ocean. 

Alternatively, the camera is invited to spectate on an animal's playful scenes, like a bird's courting ritual or the epic moments of an eagle soaring through the rainforest for the first time. All from multiple angles.

They’re stock footage to the normal view, but as someone who enjoys drawing nature, they are a work of pure cinema, capturing nature at its multifaceted complexity. It's especially so when we pair this footage with music. Playful bursts of sound on beat to a mating dance, dramatic orchestral crescendos to a hunt scene or tender piano pieces to mourn a death. The audio experience is given as much love as the visual to create a human touch in a high-end nature documentary.

—

The people who deserve my flowers here are wildlife photographers and videographers. They're the ones in the trenches, or if not, they're the ones who set up the equipment and follow the animals in the wild for days. They're the ones who spend forever to get that perfect shot, to invest real energy planning when and how to get that shot, alongside their resilience in failed attempts.

Additionally, real people need to colour-correct the footage and sequence it all neatly. They also have to find appropriate music and time it to the spontaneity found in the natural world. There also needs to be scriptwriters to come up with Attenborough's poetic lines, and then Attenborough himself needs to narrate it beautifully and carefully. In sum, Our Planet is a joint human effort celebrating nature's liveliness. 

Perhaps tangentially, this could lend itself to discussions on AI. People fret all the time about whether AI can replace human creatives, especially human videographers who make stock footage. As biased as I am, I strongly believe that AI can never replace human creative effort.

No AI tool can replicate the love and attention to detail that a human can to the thing they care about. An AI  cannot go to these forests and film these animals in their natural habitat. Behind the colour corrections, cuts, and composition is a mark of authenticity that the camera caught a real animal, that there's care for the viewer's time and feelings. 

Emotional rant aside, the simple takeaway is that I'm inspired by this documentary. I'm delighted. 

It threw me back to the days when I spent afternoons after school in my parents' bedroom watching nature documentaries that made me think that not only were there worlds outside my home in Singapore, but also that they are absolutely worth seeing.

How to write descriptively

In the How I Write Podcast, Harry Dry emphasised that good copywriting must be concrete, visual, and falsifiable. 

Say for instance, you want to say someone is rich in a story. Well, it's not very fun to say, "This person has a crap ton of money". The way I prefer to describe it instead is to say "This person flaunts black credit cards at luxury stores without blinking; they wear designer, neatly pressed shirts". A stereotypical image, for sure, but one you can see.

To be fair, "having a crap ton of money" can be visualised in other ways, and that's the beauty of it. Based on how you describe and unpack a certain thing, it gives people a vibe and a certain feeling. You're painting with words.

—

I mention all this because earlier in 2025, I did an internship at a florist studio. I recall reading the brand guide on the first day and being struck by a single sentence.

Be inspired by our imagination.

It's a line that I try to take with me whenever I create something. Bursting with saturated colours, nature and subtle details in the foliage, I want my drawings to inspire tranquillity and fun in the viewer.

But, back to the original quote. I just came fresh from an internship at a very corporate-sounding brand. Rather than inspiration or imagination, they focus on news reporting with a touch of corporate jargon like sustainability and inspiring future leaders.

Hence, I had a culture shock when I realised that creativity is valued over formality. I struggled with adapting, but it's an uphill battle I'm ready to fight. 

Indeed, as I read the copy across the website and socials, I was, indeed, inspired by their imagination.

—

Flowers are a perishable good. When I showed a friend this luxurious $600 bouquet for Valentines day that's bigger than the florist who made it, she said it is beautiful but you need a lot of disposable income to buy something like that. 

Knowing this, my supervisor tells me that when you sell flowers, you're selling feelings. You're selling the vibes a beautiful bunch of flowers bring to a space—a story about love, affection, creativity, of being in the moment, of injecting colour into the every day with tiny little details.

That's the point I want to make here. When you write descriptively, you're giving the viewer feelings, you're using words to paint a very vivid image of what you want them to see but also feel.

Let's take this painting I found on Instagram as a test subject.

Twin Flames, Irina Cumberland.

A blunt description would be: A painting of the ocean waves. (or if we're generous, add the phrase, 'on a sunny day'). It's perfect for an alt description, but it doesn't evoke feelings, let alone immerse me into the artistry. Let's try again.

A gentle scene of water flowing across a shallow bed of rocks, stained green with moss and the sunlight above. Waves ripple into the distance, forming abstract circular patterns, lulling the eye into a peaceful infinity beyond the canvas.

This type of copy takes more effort to write. It's tough to 'ChatGPT' stuff like this, and you'd have to refine it further for it to hit just right.

The difficulty comes from first identifying what you want readers to feel, and then the specific aspects of the thing you want to describe, either lovingly or scornfully. From there, you have to feel what you want the readers to feel. Then, to impart it all in a way that doesn't feel cringe. 

Once successful, though, you get copy that's in every way as beautiful as the thing you're trying to describe, or in a better case, more so. From one human's aesthetic sensibility to another.

—

As I got the hang of writing, I waxed poetry like no one's business. My boss would look at it and tell me to make it shorter because "no one will read it". True, but I don't think that's the point.

When your writing is too long, not many will tough it out in the never-ending scroll of social media. I say this because I dislike reading long blocks of text online.

Yet, if the writing is engaging, why wouldn't I want to read it? If I can read text walls of 4k words on AO3 for a good fan fiction, I'm not opposed to reading three paragraphs on Instagram. No, what matters is that you capture people's attention, and a shorter text block is more efficient in that.

Speaking of efficiency, there's beauty in brevity. In the How I write podcast, once more, brevity is the soul of wit—soul, a very evocative word, something living, something essential and heartfelt about the thing. The same is here.

Writing briefly forces me to crystallise all of my most descriptive phrases and words into one perfect sentence that just sings to the mind's eye. Go too long and you risk diluting your words.

To bring it back, being rich isn't a personality trait; it's just a trait that's part of a whole person. If I spend five paragraphs showing you how rich he is, you'd roll your eyes and say, "Damn, this narrator has a problem like can we move on already!"

Likewise, you're describing a feeling of the larger, more concrete thing, whether it is flowers, a person or whatever your subject is. It's one thing to play with language and create something beautiful but let words represent, rather than reduce the thing to, in my dad's words, 'pretty words that don't mean anything'.

Some art I'm working on

As I wait for my opening gif to load, I figure I'll take the time to show you some art I've been working on.

Currently, I'm working on an art book to make drawing fun again. Of course, there's the added emphasis on improving my colouring skills, compositions, and ideas, but I simply want something real and substantial to show off my ideas. Whenever I feel my project is in any way meaningless, a waste of time or dread like 'man, I can never finish this', I lay in bed dreaming of holding my colourful babies printed on paper and the sparkle of motivation instantly returns.

—

Granted, I have a dedicated Tumblr blog to record my progress. I'm delighted with it. I love the theme so much I made my own dedicated website and I like that my four followers are from my main blog.

Yet, I'm bored and want to share my art here. Pardon my vanity. I hope you find these pleasing in a collection with some extra details in italics.

A lighting study of sorts from Heart Burn by Sunmi. I'm not very fond of the bursts of pink in his face. His skin's also a bit on the dull side, compared to his red hair and bluish-white shirt. He looks like if Ariel and Eric had a baby. I should define his facial structure more with subtle highlights.

His face looks odd. I think it's his left jaw—it should be larger and more square. His forehead is a bit small as well. Perhaps, it's just the odd angle I drew him in, but there's an undeniable handsomeness. His hair's a treat to look at. The messiness grew on me.

A beauty I worked on these few days. He intended for him to smoke but his lazy index finger sticking out has elegance too. I love putting flowers in my men's hair. They look lovely. The wisteria flowers behind him have such lovely shapes.

I can feel the sweltering heat from here. This is a piece I'm anxious about. Dominated by soft oranges and glowing yellows, with the ocassional pop of saturated red in the lineart, I'm afraid my printer can't get these subtle shades right. After all, CMYK can barely handle it... Concerned but pleased.

The second batch of illustrations! You may peruse the first quartet on my aforementioned 'main blog'. Thanks for checking me out!