My internet access is wonky lately

For the past few days, I’ve been complaining to my dad about the wifi. It’s been perfectly fine these past few months—even years, I say—but these past few days, the wifi’s been slower than ever and I have no idea why. It’s like the signal’s been tripped, but every damned time.

I suspect it’s because the Wi-Fi router simply doesn’t work or because of any other tech-nonsense I’m not equipped to deal with. Nonetheless, I firmly believe it isn’t my devices because why doesn’t work on my laptop and phones. It’s silly to think why only now, without any foreshadowing (like my old laptop, whose screen issues were made known for some time with glitchy graphics and suddenly turning black while my Kpop music still plays) that this becomes a problem.

My dad keeps telling me ‘it’s just like that sometimes’ and even once suggested I sit outside where the signal is stronger. I often feel slighted because why only now, when my wifi causes problems. Though I admit, looking at my habits lately, I decide it’s a good idea, even if an unwilling one.

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I love numbers. Nothing makes me happier than seeing comments and seeing me grow in numbers. I remember the first time a video of mine went absolutely viral. Stagnant at 8 views for three days, then suddenly at 5pm, the views shoot up to 20 and then a hundred and then today, 2.9k views—a respectable number for YouTube! I’ve been chasing that high since.

Anyways, since I’m also at home and online more, I check my socials more to see if anything I’ve made gets traction, more specifically, comments. I love reading and replying to comments, so I suppose this is a normal thing to look forward to. 

Eventually, though, I realise I find myself glued to my phone, always refreshing to see if I have new email notifications. First thing I do when I wake up in the morning is not to use the restroom or even to yawn, but to check my email and Tumblr notifications to see if anything happened. Of course, nothing happens. Then, I get sulky before the day even begins. It doesn’t help if I’m actively losing followers, either (though I’ll save that for a separate, more candid blog post).

I believe in God intervening at random little moments in my life. My laggy wifi signal causes Tumblr and YouTube to load more slowly. It sometimes causes AO3 to glitch out on my phone, denying me the sight of how many bookmarks I get on my work. I suppose this is a good thing. 

I cannot be a healthy, or even good content creator if I’m more interested in feeling bummed out over numbers over being inspired to create. It’s not fair to myself. Of course, my creativity deserves the space and free time to breathe outside this number game. I will find my audience eventually. I just need to be patient. Besides, I might already have an audience of lurkers. After all, I’m like that to many creators I’m interested in. 

If this perpetual disappointment won’t discipline my need to chase clout, then perhaps my unfortunate wifi will force me to stop checking.

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After my obligatory health screening yesterday, I decided to head to my university’s library for old time’s sake. The place was as cold as ever, as quiet as ever, with its cream coloured walls, slim tables by the left wall and rows upon rows of books on the right side. I sat in a stiff chair by the corner and took out my book to read. I finished it in three hours.

I owe it to the quiet environment, the slight hum of the air conditioning, the fact that I’m surrounded by books with a limited view of the outside world, to my unusual concentration. More than that, though, I don’t have constant wifi access. I merely have a tote bag, which will not support my laptop. I don’t have access to my university’s wifi (I’ve graduated and am waiting to set everything up for master's matriculation). I don’t feel comfortable using my data all the time, except to check emails (lol). Hence, you can say I’ve artificially limited my access to the internet.

It was lovely. 

Yes, I was irritable over my lack of numbers and lack of drawing time, yet in this quiet, I kept my head down and finished reading 100+ pages. 

Naturally, I owe it to the book for being so wonderfully written, for appealling so much to my sensibilities but I also owe it to the lack of internet that forced me to narrow my focus to my book, to something real, to something that matters beyond the world of social media on my phone where no use owes their creators anything. 

Reading the book won’t result in more glamorous artwork for my YouTube, Instagram or Tumblr. It won’t help create more videos. It won’t inspire more artwork. 

Yet, I had a vision for what a normal life could be, one where I’m at peace and where my eyes don’t burn with blue light. For once, I feel present.