Why do I love love? // Gushing on Sekai Ichi Hatsukoi

Just this afternoon, I re-listened to the song for Sekai-Ichi Hatsukoi's first ending, Tomorrow I'm coming to see you and I was caught off guard by the lyrics. They tell of the speaker's desperate yearning for his beloved. Plus, the melody was catchy and sweet.

Feeling particularly inspired, I decided to watch the anime itself. 

Whoo boy!

—

The anime itself stars Ritsu Onodera and his boss, and first love, Masamune Takano. Onodera first meets him in his high school library, where they reach for the same book and their fingers brush against each other. Onodera apparently has been observing Takano for three years and is deeply in love, as his inner monologue repeats "I love you" three times.

Ten years later, Onodera resigns from his father's company to escape the nepo baby allegations and finds himself working at the same editing company as Takano. Of course, there are other side-couples but that's not really the point. Mainly, the point is to see Takano, in his yearning, reserved glory, try his very best to win Onodera over.

Iconic. Magical. Stunning.

Let's set the record straight. Sekai Ichi Hatsukoi isn't perfect.

Onodera is incredibly annoying at times. Across the two seasons, I see little or minimal character development. While Onodera's feelings intensify, his resolution on what to do about them remains unclear. Of course, the dubious consent with Takano's passionate kisses disturbs me sometimes but that's for a different essay.

What I want to talk about instead is Onodera's character. He's a nepo baby, being the son of the CEO of one of the top publishing firms in-universe, but he refuses to see himself that way. Like everyone else, he goes through the corporate grind. In fact, one can say he has it worse because he's emblazoned with the desire to 'make it on his own'.

His coworkers, including Takano, tell him not to beat himself up over his privilege. Yet, Onodera remains unsure of himself, wondering if he's even made to be a manga editor since everyone perceives him more as a nepo baby than an editor. He responds to this insecurity with burning passion to do better.

On top of this, we also have his angst. One warm-coloured morning on Takano's bed, Onodera asks the guy if he loved him and Takano laughs to himself. Onodera was pissed. He insists that Takano's taking a piss at him and that their whole young relationship was a joke. Heartbroken, he moves overseas to study and becomes a self-proclaimed jaded adult. 

It's not that love is pointless; it's just that he doesn't believe in trying anymore. He reads a confession scene in a shoujo manga and asks, "Should the main character be allowed to reach happiness so quickly?" but then chastises himself because "I've never really loved". He insists he won't bother anymore.

All this occurs as internal monologues. He screams to himself in the middle of the company cafeteria, head buried in the company's catalogue of published manga, hunched over his laptop to write a proposal to impress everyone. There goes my spiteful little boy! Let it out!

Takano lingers by the doorway, watching him.

—

This essay isn't about the anime, though. It's about my feelings instead. I squeal whenever Takano gives Onodera a look like he loves the guy all along.

My favourite scene occurs later in season one, where Onodera is in bed, complaining that Takano definitely loves someone else while Takano obsessively rings the doorbell outside. Takano eventually texts, "Where are you?". He doesn't reply to the text, obviously. He still thinks Takano loves someone else.

There's other scenes like when Onodera sleeps in the car and Takano glances at him. Or on the crowded train, where Onodera looks at the window, he catches Takano staring at him longingly. Or the few times when they're in bed together and Takano holds Onodera, runs his hands through his hair and holds him like he's something precious. Onodera's words, not mine. You get the picture.

A scene that'll matter later is when Onodera insists on collecting the manuscript despite a tight deadline. By the end of the debacle, Takano rests his head on his palm and says that he trusted Onodera this whole time. He trusted that Onodera could make the impossible happen because he knew he would give it his all to make sure things get done. 

"I've always liked that about you," he said. I tell you, my heart exploded.

As much as he's quick-tempered and prone to raising his voice, Takano is a competent person who can do his job well. Although he looks like he has everything together, he still yearns for Onodera. 

At the end of season two, when we see things from his perspective, we see why. His parents neglected him. He doesn't have friends. Yet, Onodera kept chasing after him and didn't take it personally when Takano chased him away. Onodera puts in (an obsessive amount of) time to connect with his interest in reading. Onodera makes Takano feel cared for. Onodera's the one who put the spark back in his eyes.

He loves Onodera; it's impossible to argue otherwise. Unless you're Onodera, in which case you can think of countless excuses. The contrast between a dense main character and his not-very-subtle pining love interest is delightful. The gap between their feelings and the relentless pursuit to close it is what gives this show its appeal.

—

I give so much context because I want to talk about why I love (the idea of) love. Let's start with my first hypothesis.

In this day and age, where everyone's rushing here and there, we want to feel that there's someone out there looking out for us, that there's someone who wants to listen to us vent, gush and reflect. As we're obsessed with our immediate sphere of life, we're secretly looking out and yearning for someone who'd selflessly give us time out of their busy lives. To put it bluntly, we just want someone who cares about us.

A romantic relationship implies exclusivity, the idea that two people will share parts of their life together like a covalent bond, that they'll always be there for each other and that they'll share this special bond that nourishes and heals each other.

As an introverted person without many friends, I feel envious. I feel lonely a lot, and I want someone like that who just 'gets me'. I want someone with whom I can share interests and inside jokes. I want someone who rejuvenates me every time we talk and makes me feel understood and cared for. 

In Sekai Ichi Hatsukoi, Onodera repeatedly emphasises that he knows nothing about Takano. This is so because the rival Yokozawa flaunts his close friendship with him and, out of care for Takano, keeps telling Onodera to stop messing with Takano's feelings. Onodera is often discouraged and thinks to himself like oh, Takano-san should be with Yokozawa-san... I don't know anything about him...

When it's like, dude, Takano loves you. Stop moping around!

But this persistence on self-loathing appeals to me. I often get envious of my friends' good traits. I often think I'm not a good friend and that I'm not present enough, that I don't know them and that about them. I feel I'm not listening well enough. I feel that my friends all have someone they'd rather be with. I'm the second choice. My friends don't like me as much as I like them.

Of course, this is all rather silly (as in who am I to assume what other people think of me!) but the feelings do 'get to me'. I want someone who can look at me and say, 'yes, you're annoying but I still like you'. Someone who'd be loyal and hear me out.

It's not that Onodera wants to be Takano's first choice (though that's definitely it in the long run), it's just that he wants to feel secure. Takano can say he loves the guy all he wants but if Onodera refuses to believe it, it doesn't mean anything, unfortunately. Instead, I think Onodera wants reassurance that he deserves to feel proud of himself and, by extension, loved.

—

You just need someone to think you're special to keep trying again. I swear I heard that from Super Crooks, but I can't fact-check. That's my second point for this essay/ramble of sorts.

Back to the anecdote I brought up earlier. When Yokozawa gives him the side-eye, Onodera gets flustered and apologises for holding up the production schedule. Nonchalantly, Takano said he wasn't worried because he trusted Onodera. 

I've always liked that about you. 

It's a key moment for good reason. Onodera constantly defines himself against his nepo-baby status because he's always afraid that no one will see him as anything else. And Takano sees him as someone dependable, someone who's not only enthusiastic but also someone with the guts and tenacity to make things happen. 

For someone with the pressure to deliver, that's a very attractive personality, outweighing the fact that Onodera's a dysfunctional, boy-failure, nepo-baby.

I think that's another aspect to this romance that I genuinely enjoy. I'm not a nepo-baby in my line of corporate work. Like Onodera anyway, I feel dread creeping into every moment.

I don't feel like I'm good enough to do my job. I feel like I go to work and waste my time doing things that don't matter. At my work, I'm not the best and never will be. I'll get fired. I'll be looked down on. I won't do anything exciting and even if I do, how long will the bragging rights last? The project won't even be mine, it'll be the company's. 

This low self-esteem doesn't stop at the professional level. Personally, I'm an awkward person. I find it hard to initiate and sustain small talk on everyday things like the weather, travelling trips or even what I did over the weekend. I don't want to be a bother and yap too much, but I also don't want to be so dry that I respond with only a single blunt sentence.

I'm also very shy. I find it hard to talk about my interests without second-guessing myself to people who don't understand. I'm very deeply insecure, as you can see, and it's quite annoying. I'm not the kind to go out a lot on my own. I'm not exactly the prettiest either. I doubt Onodera's issues run that deep but my point still stands.

Everyone is going through the same corporate grind where life, vitality and imagination are constantly sucked out of us. We feel beat whenever we come home. We feel almost worthless like wow is this all there is? Am I really nothing more than a cog in the machine? And then, there's the personal failings, too. Without the mental space to reflect away from stress, these insecurities build and become part of our everyday lives.

Amidst this hopelessness, there's the hope that someone we admire would look at us and say we're more than the parts we hate most. That we are more than that. 

Love, to me, is someone smiling at you and saying 'welcome home'. It's someone patting your head and encouraging you to keep going. It's someone who you can talk about your feelings with productively and healthily that makes you feel understood, while also helping you understand them for how beautiful and interesting they are.

—

I guess in other words, before this essay gets too bloated, I want to be the light of someone else's life. Likewise, I hope to be the light of someone else's life.

Love is beautiful because it involves two people suffering the corporate grind to share their lives together to create something fulfilling. I guess that's why I love love, or at least the idea of it. I want to think that there's more to life and relationships. I envy people in relationships because it looks like they have it all figured out. Of course, it isn't always like that but won't it be nice to have someone you can trust to that extent?

At any rate, I'm not rushing to find my first love. I enjoy spending time alone and writing essays like this. I guess, I should wait for the right person. Once I do, that'll be the world's greatest first love.

Calendar Reflections // March, April, June, December

 

Hi everyone! For context, I made calendars last year, and this year, I want to make another one! For the past couple of weeks/days, I've made some progress, so let's talk about it.

—

March

This is the first piece I created. I made a reel about it on Instagram, but the gist is that I wanted to create a piece inspired by a bookmark I made of Whitebeard during Mermay.

Thing is, I didn't want to draw Whitebeard exactly, but I wanted to capture his vibe—big man with a fancy moustache and flowing blonde hair. 

Going into this, I also knew that I wanted to have fun with text. I like this font called Scriptina Pro by CheapProFonts on DaFont. It's big, bold, swoopy loops complement his swirling hair perfectly. When I actually render this, I want to have strands of hair weave in and out of the text.

March // Poseidon

Inspired by that bookmark, I wanted to replicate the composition of a big man suspended in space, relaxed and poised. Initially, I thought it would be fun to draw a kelp forest as the background again, where the swaying kelp frames the subject to emphasise his large size compared to familiar-ish natural elements.

However, the canvas size isn't very suitable for a composition like that. Kelp is long and vertical, while the calendar size is squat and horizontal. Besides, the subject himself takes up too much space. It's not practical to include a detailed background plus text if I want this calendar to be usable.

An alternative view of his hair. I didn't like how all his hair is bunched to one side. It looks unnatural. I have since changed it so the parting is more well-spread.

It's hypothetical for now, but I'm thinking of a beachy scene for the colours. The subject rests on the seabed, as water crashes in and out slowly. A faint, golden sunlight ripples on his chest, giving a much-needed contrast to an overall turquoise-coloured piece.

Instead of kelp, I'm going to draw ships drifting in and out, flowing over his hair. I also want him to be half-submerged in water, where his chest and the upper portion of his stomach are suntanning, while the rest of him will be submerged in shallow blue water. Again, he's so large that the shallower end of the ocean is essentially his bed.

While I didn't know it at the time, this is the piece that sets the creative direction moving forward. I want every page to feature a big man, whose size is emphasised by their surrounding landscape. 

—

April

Isn't this font gorgeous? It's called Albrega Changes, created by 177Studio. It's a chunky font with a slight whimsical twist, with the occasional curl. It's serious and solid, but with a playful twist.

It matches my subject's serious expression, while also complimenting the way his hair and moustache curl at the ends. Plus, it helps me cover up bits of his shoulder that I'm not very confident in.

April // The Gathering Spot Among Elasmosaurus

At any rate, I was inspired by dinosaurs. I got dinosaur stickers at the illustration fair I went to and figured, why not draw them? I mean, I don't want to run out of ideas, and I have never explored dinosaurs as a motif before. Plus, as there were lots of wonderful images of dinosaurs on Pinterest.

Illustration made by William Stout

Originally, I wanted to depict a tropical rainforest scene lush with large leaves and foliage. In the middle of that scene, rests a large merman sitting idly in a pool of water, large and tired, surrounded by big dinosaurs like the T-rex. The illustration above is close to what I'm imagining.

I liked the idea, but it was too similar to an earlier piece I had done for a seperate project. Besides, I didn't want to be repetitive, so I searched around for an alternative idea and I found it on Twitter of all things.

Someone on Twitter posted pictures of this old man from Castlevania with the hilarious caption—just because the wrapper is crumpled, it doesn't mean the candy isn't sweet. 

At any rate, I thought the old man was handsome with long white hair, bushy facial hair and wrinkles. He has a haggard look to him. If it weren't for his build and elegant outfit, I'd think he's homeless, and there's an appeal to it. I decided that he will be my muse for now, especially since he looks older than Poseidon.

At the time, it could've worked but I wanted to try something else.

Hmm...

Yes, yes, I agree my art style at the time wasn't working as well as it should, but it was a good, earnest attempt. I liked the angular jaw, his bushy eyebrows and even the elegant hair. 

However, I didn't like his beard, the angle of the face also didn't match the pose, and I struggled with proportions. His head always looked too big, or his body too skinny. It just didn't work. I kept saying, 'oh I'll draw a skinny body type for once' but then I didn't like it. Hence, I had to move on and redraw him.

I decided to turn his head to the side like the original reference picture, and I liked it more. I also cut his hair, fearing the long hair would be too repetitive if done consecutively. I worry about this but I insist on having a long moustache anyway. Ideally, I should get rid of that too...

For reference, I looked at one of my favourite artists Burning_Nipple on Twitter. I love how they draw Roger, and so I referenced his his messy, short haircut. I think it looks better.

I sent this ask in!! I'm so honoured they replied me!!

Last notes before I move on, I love the way I drew his back. It has so much texture and form. For now, I won't clean the sketchy lines up too much. It'll be cool to depict a subject with wrinkles on his body, a sign of strength and ageing.

I suppose if I could critique this, I'd like to have more landscaping elements like little islands and rocks, rather than have the dinosaurs simply float around. It'll be more dynamic that way. Also, the dinosaurs featured here are called Elasmosaurus—what a name, right?

—

December

I may or may not change the font for the header for this one, but I see the appeal. 

It's called Fashion Mode, made by Nirmana Visual. It exudes elegance with its uniform height and overall thin lines. It vaguely reminds me of the icy setting this piece is located in, so that's why I haven't been very enthusiastic in finding a replacement.

December // Slow-moving Ice Water

Even if not the most technically impressive, I adore this iteration. I like that the subject is casually leaning back against some mountains, half-submerged in icy-cold water. He gazes at the sky above.

This only came about after failing once, and you'll see it below. I thought the subject was cute when I first drew him. Now, though, he makes me uncomfortable. Perhaps it's just me superficially saying he's not very attractive.

My scrapped iteration

The pose almost worked. If I tweaked the perspective on the mountains, it could work as a prince staring up at the reader for forgiveness. Plus, his face is almost handsome. I liked the way I did his eyes, the way his iris isn't very clearly defined. He looked blind, and that's an idea I want to experiment with when I start rendering.

Looking at it, I wonder if this piece is enough compared to the other pages. I made peace with it eventually.

Since December is the end of the year, I think it'll be cool if this piece is relatively not so ambitious. It indicates peace, an end to a very stunning collection and an expectation for the future ahead.

A more human representation. I almost went with this... Maybe next time.

On that note, you might notice the weird shading on his back. I wanted to make clear that he's a narwhal. A narwhal's back is darker in colour, compared to its paler belly. It'll be clearer when I start colouring, but that was my intention with the textures for now. The colour scheme would be a white wintry landscape, with a burst of sunlight bouncing off the side of his flowing hair, contrasted by his darker skin on the back.

I originally wanted to include body hair like a bear here. I like the mix of subtle noise-like textures and hair indicated by quickly-drawn lines. It feels real and solid, especially compared to the faded and smooth texture of the ice surrounding him.

He's undeniably handsome, but it doesn't get that magical, otherworldly vibe I get from the version I ultimately went for. He feels too human for a piece that's supposed to be supernatural.

—

June

Also, in case it's not clear, I'm not going to talk about these spreads in any consecutive order.  I hope this doesn't upset anyone.

At any rate, June is Pride Month. It feels like a special occasion in my head, so I figured it'll be fun to try something new. Instead of a big merman, why not just a big man, with smaller mermen?

I had a few ideas before settling, so bear with me as I deliberately stall revealing the final spread. You'll see why. It's quite special. 

Draft 1

If I were drawing this for fun, I might've pursued this composition further. His wet, curly hair is giving a handsome male lead in a cheesy romance novel. I sense the potential of fine stubble along his jaw. His smile is peaceful and romantic. In short, he's a good-looking man.

Yet, I must scratch this idea because the text doesn't fit properly. If I made him smaller to give the text more space, it would feel like I'm compressing him, which doesn't feel natural. Back to the drawing board!

Draft 2

Better. At least there's more room for text.

I experimented with drawing the back view, saving this casual, lounging sideways for a different illustration. I liked the image of large shoulders tapering down to a sharp waist and smooth hips. 

The subject here encapsulates what I'm going for. Dare I say, it's my best attempt at drawing the ever-elusive back-view. I can almost feel the warmth of his shoulders. Yes, his hips might be too wide, but it's still a pleasing shape. I also liked how gentle his face looked. 

Looking back, it's not ugly per se, just maybe not the kind of composition I want to stamp my name on. I like the idea of a merman as big as cliffs. More specifically, a big man rising from the ocean to greet a small human lover. I'm saving that for a future drawing. For now, I want to refine this idea.

June // Peach Season

As of penning this blogpost, this is my favourite spread. In the front, we have the figure of a curvy, muscular man smiling pleasantly at a crowd of mermen admiring him. They'll be small, compared to him, and it'll be fun to entertain the idea of a human man with lots of lover-mermen.

For his back, I was inspired by the opening shots of Sabrina Carpenter's Espresso music video where the director's name is written on a golden back, almost stamped on a red, sun-burnt skin. 

That explains the odd-looking typography there. I meant it when I said I wanted to be more experimental with the layouts. For the font, I literally typed 'summer' into Dafont and came across this lovely font called Summer Script by Xerographer Fonts.

It's this handwritten, slightly scratchy cursive font, as if someone wrote with a dip pen. When I traced it, I subconsciously rounded off the edges, so it might not be very obvious, especially when I warped it to make it bend around his back. However, I like it a lot. It's charming and suits the romantic atmosphere I'm going for.

Speaking of layouts and typography, I appreciate that the dates look like they fit into the illustration, occupying the shape of the pond in the distance. I wonder if I can maintain this level of excellence.

—

Some last words

These are just the first four pieces. There are eight more to go, and I'll share them with you in due course once I've finished.

For now, I have two illustrations in mind. 

For May, I'm thinking of a summer scene full of flowers, inspired by Chungha's Play and Red Velvet's Cosmic. A figure will emerge from a refreshing pool of water as sunlight shines on them. I wonder if the colour palette will be too repetitive, but let me handle that when I actually start work on it.

For the spooky month of October, I want to incorporate bioluminescence from deep-sea creatures into the composition. This is something that'll be interesting to try printing—stark black shadows with neon colours for lights. I want my subject to be a little freaky but still endearing and attractive.

Some interesting ideas in the KIVs, so let's see how far I can take this in another update.

Thanks for reading!

My Masters Thesis (ideally... For now)

I'm starting Masters soon, and I have a weird foreboding feeling that everything will go horribly. I can't do anything. I'll disappoint everyone who believes in me. I'll fall from grace (whatever that means) and I'll be branded as a failure. 

These doubts culminate so much in my head that, as a way to cope, a small voice in my head says, 'eh but what if you never wanted to do masters? Won't it be easier to just go work instead? Why bother?' I want to give up because it's easier to wallow in mediocrity, dreaming, 'oh man, if only' rather than actually face the fear of change. 

Naturally, it's normal to feel this way after what's essentially an hour-long info dump about the responsibilities. In hindsight, I'm thankful that I know the forms and everything I have to do before the semester starts, rather than scrambling. 

Five minutes ago, however, I had a revelation that grounded me. Underneath all this angst and administrative work, the paper itself is what matters most. Isn't that the point? The research? It reminded me of the sloppy research proposal before applying. Let me quote my thesis. 

In its inherent instability and constant movement, the act of travelling grants travellers the space away from the status quo to embrace that meaning and happiness comes from being receptive to change. This paper will add to conversations on travel literature by considering contemporary examples of the genre.

 

In other words, travelling helps you find yourself.

Do I buy it now? No. I guess that's one fear I have going into this, the self-awareness. I don't know what I'm doing, and I feel like an impostor in a very cool academic world full of smart people.

This blog entry is then to refine my thoughts. It's not a new thesis, but rather a backbone. It's the reason why I've decided to put my angst and fear aside and face my Master's program head-on. 

I have something I believe in, and I want to write about it.

—

I'm reading three books for this: On the Road by Jack Kerouac, Between Stations by Boey Kim Cheng and City of Small Blessings by Simon Tay. Somewhere, somehow, these books are about travelling.

For Kerouac, travelling is fast, wild and maddening. At times, the novel overwhelms the reader with details about the speed of the journey and the sweaty passion found in jazz musicians. At other times, he bitches and complains about things. At any rate, there's never a dull moment. The tone swings from adventurous, contemplative and even serene in the quiet scenes where he's allowed to take things slow.

For Boey, travelling is meditative. It's about exploring the scenery and connecting with others. It's about feeling at home in even the most foreign and faraway places. In an urbanised Singaporean landscape that feels soulless and heartless without the places he grew up in as a child, Boey finds comfort in Calcutta, Alexandria, cities that preserve the old. Leaving home reminds him of what it means to feel at home.

Putting these together, an argument forms that travelling is wonderful because it makes you process things slowly. There's no need to always run around if you can help it. You are allowed to take things slow and want a break. Life is tough no matter where you go. Nothing is ever perfect.

As these novels show, though, there's always an opportunity to find meaning and connection, no matter how fleeting. Meaning comes from slowing down and appreciating the world around you.

Suppose I had to choose between being motion sick in a car with Dean Moriarity driving way past the driving limit or eating grapes by a railway station with a beautiful woman and her child on a Californian summer night. In that case, I know I'll choose getting so hungry that I start hallucinating about my English mother being upset with me hundreds of years ago.

—

In contrast, Tay's novel presents to us the yearning for groundedness. Yes, he travelled. Having grown up in Singapore and lived through the Second World War, Bryan emigrated to Canada on a whim before returning to Singapore. It's an interesting journey, but we barely get any content about that.

Instead, we get stories of him cycling at dawn, his days as a principal, his feeling alienated from modern Singapore and eventually his attempt at activism to defend his right to stay in his new home.

On top of that, when we switch to his son's perspective, Peter, we get even more stories about the little things—his relationship with his roommate and girlfriend, the food his mother likes to cook, his time growing up. We even have Peter telling us Bryan's stories, from when Bryan was a transcriber at a Japanese camp, to his love story with Anna. 

None of these anecdotes is about travelling. It's more accurate to say the novel celebrates a sense of place—of never leaving—of feeling like you have a stake in the place you're in and the people you surround yourself with. 

I dare say it's a wild take to suddenly introduce a different novel into the mix, but the difference is refreshing.

City of Small Blessings speaks to Between Stations. Both lament Singapore losing its character and charm in urbanisation. City of Small Blessings would be one of those people who judge the Dean's ethos of never sitting still. Bryan values respectability, his home and his loved ones and fights for it. Meanwhile, people like Dean seem to not care about anyone but themselves (even that is debatable since he broke his thumb and always seems to never have enough money). 

Looking at it broadly, City of Small Blessings represents the stability that the other two novels fight for. Heck, even the title—On the Road and Between Stations imply an impasse, but the City of Small Blessings implies a clear destination—reflects this. Despite this, we start the book with Bryan saying he'll lose his home, and we end it with Bryan dying.

If all goes well, I'd like to say that City of Small Blessings forces us to look deeper into where meaning in life comes from. After all, even when things go wrong, Bryan can still leave the world peacefully with his small family next to him. How?

If there is someone to love us for that weak humanity, for that wound we have hidden in all our strength and pride, there can be love, there can be a home (Tay 218).

I think that's the point of all this moving around and thinking. Underneath all the premiums we put on identity, freedom and even a purpose in life, I argue that everyone just wants to feel like they belong, that someone cares about them, and their existence is valid as it is.

People in On the Road and Between Stations travel because they're searching for this feeling or at least, searching for the next step to feel that way. Sal complains about Dean because he likes the guy and wants to be friends (some might even say boyfriends). Boey bemoans his loneliness and loss because he wants to feel like he belongs, where he can look at something and say 'yeah, I do this' rather than 'back when this was still here, I'd do this'.

In other words, everyone wants to be happy in their own skin and surroundings.

—

This brings me back to what I said at the start. I'm doing this because there's something I believe in. This is what I believe in.

As a young person, I want my life to matter and that I can live it with the people I love and doing what I enjoy. I struggle with feeling like I'm never doing enough and that I'm always a step away from disappointing everyone, including myself.

When I open these books, I find myself saying, 'hell yeah!' to most reflective moments they have. It's a joy to flip through these pages and read about these people. They remind me that life is absolutely worth living, no matter where you are.

From this, this is my goal: I want to write a paper that gives my readers hope.

I don't want to be a writer who writes long, boring papers about god-knows-what and theories that most undergraduate students barely understand. I don't want to be an academic who talks and writes about literature in a stuffy, convoluted way. Instead, I want my writing to have purpose, to inspire others that literature is fun, that there's something universal about the human experience, no matter where and when you are.

Maybe all this is me being silly and unrealistic, but I genuinely think academia can be more fun and relevant to what actual people go through in daily life.

I'm not cut out to be an academic, I know this. I'm a marketing girlie. I draw suggestive things. I listen to K-pop, and I have a poor attention span. I'm not a super smart intellectual with millions of ideas for research papers. Yet, there's something I want to say as a young person, and that's why I'm here doing a Master's.