I don't have much to say, apart from the fact that I want to show you these pictures of my art. I'm leaning into a sketchier style of drawing lately, and I like how expressive they look. One day, I shall adopt this kind of loose sketchy style for my OCs, but we'll see...
At any rate, all this sketchiness makes me miss creating fully rendered illustrations. I should get back to that soon.
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| Traffy!!! |
Take a look at these two drawings :)
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| Fig 1. 2026 // 2 hours and 11 minutes |
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| Fig 2. 2024 // 4 hours and 46 minutes |
Back in 2024, I was inspired by some AI slop I found on Pinterest. Sad I can't find it now, but it's a burly shirtless man in either a black spedo or knee-length shorts doing a sorta weird dance in the middle of a stage surrounded by other burley men. Upon seeing that image, I was like 'oh! let me draw my own version but with my blorbos!'
I initially struggled a lot with the anatomy at first? It was a nightmare trying to get all the individual Marcos to have unique facial expressions and poses. In hindsight, I dislike how... old Marco looks like that is not my man! Eventually, I gave up on it (clearly) even though I had plans to render it with deep red night-club-esque lighting.
Roughly two years later, I suddenly remembered this drawing existed and I wanted to redraw it. This is especially so when I found my original Pinterest reference board and all the poses I wanted to draw for Marco. I was like 'oh hell yeah! this is perfect!'
After showering at 10:30 in the morning, I kept my head down and started drawing. I was surprised at how quickly everything came together. The table, Ace's facial expression, his bunny suit, even down to the Marcos themselves—Everything fit together more coherently than the original concept.
For this version, I've decided to scale everything back, to focus on less Marcos and to have a sketchier look without any expectations of a fully rendered piece. I like to think these decisions worked in my favour, because the sketchier drawing feels more alive and looser? It looks more complete even though it took less time. More importantly, I had more fun doing it.
My only minor nitpick, is I want every Marco to be associated with a wine glass of some sort, so we can have a more circular composition. I can imagine it now, and it won't be too hard to draw... Oh well, maybe for the next redraw in a few years. I have work to do now haha. Good weather's coming—I hear thunder as I type all this.
At any rate, however, I think it's fun to see how much my art has improved over time :D For one, I took way less time to nail all the poses even while heavily referencing and I like how sketchy it looks. The new version has a newspaper comic quality to it. Maybe it's the colour of the background??
ENOUGH OVERTHINKING! TIME TO LOCK INTO MY THESIS
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| A snapshot of my Figma canvas! dated 9pm, Saturday 19 September 2026 |
I'm finally crawling out of my depressive spells to really commit to another creative project. This is the third year I'm making a calendar, and I'm surprised that I'm still going with it.
Unlike the previous two years where I had a clear theme—One Piece pinups and giant mermen—I don't have too much of an idea this time. The general consensus in my mind is that I should be grateful that I even have the motivation to draw!
The art for January, April, July and December are what I consider 'the big four'. Each of them represented an era where I wanted to try something new with my art, aka moving away from thick green foliage and the same old lying down pose. As such, I love the colours they bring to the table. I love how bold I've gotten with the highlights.
Shame the art didn't get much traction on social media, but I like it and I've never been prouder of where my art's going creatively, so that's okay too. I fear I'm secretly regressing, but I guess I'll only know in aty least a couple months down the line.
Regardless, I'm working on the other drawings that'll go in the calendar. I have one for Vista, lulaw, Sabo, and Thatch (not pictured here, but I do have a draft), and am planning the others.
The art may look a bit messy, but I intend for every drawing here to go on my updated portfolio site to kickstart a personal renaissance in art. I've been unhappy with my art for a long time, and I'm finally starting to see some progress.
I plan to make a fuller YouTube video with my feelings on the project once it's finished, but I'm happy with it so far. Like my baking post, I feel a little melancholic that I don't have people to share my art with, or give calendars too. I won't say I'm feeling better about it, but at least I don't have to spend so much money getting multiple copies of it printed. Even if I'm sad about it, my wallet will be fine 😎
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| Holy smokes it's been so long since I've written anything here! |
(I'm finally posting this after finding out where my completion certificates are... lmao.)
From July to August for eight Thursdays, I’ve signed up for a baking course, where I, well, learn how to bake! For the first four weeks, I made cakes, and for the latter, I made cookies!
An lightly sweet and moist orange yuzu cupcake with a sour custard and an indulgent cream cheese frosting.
A batch of chocolate muffins with a raspberry jam filling and a crumble with butter and flour, alongside a marble chiffon cake with matcha, chocolate and butter.
A gorgeous lemon pound drizzle cake, which had lemon zest, coffee and chocolate with sweet icing, a swiss roll with strawberry pure filling, and a rich, decadent burnt cheese cake.
A pandan chiffon cake and our instructor gave us another cheesecake!
Butter cookies with candied pistachios and the most beautiful chocolate chip cookies (made even more beautiful with extra chocolate chips)
Butter calico cat cookies with charcoal and coffee patches, and an apple cookie with angry-looking sesame seed eyes.
Cranberry biscotti cookies, matcha-almond cookies and oat-raisin and chocolate chip. I didn’t know how much I adore biscotti until now.
Lemon butter cookies and pistachio biscotti.
From now, I'll share a somewhat frank reflection of my eight weeks here. I like to think it's the beginning of my healling journey of developing my sense of self independent of my friendships, or lack thereof?
Emotionally, I was in a rough place before this baking class. My dad accompanied me to sign up on that Saturday afternoon. I was in the thick of my depressive mood then. Nothing came into my head, and I remembered almost tearring up while taking to the nice salesman. It was not a great time.
That same week, I had an argument with someone I loved and we were unsure of how to act around each other. The week before that, I blocked another friend with whom I had a puzzling relationship with, whom I wanted to like but could never bring myself to. I broke up with them.
The second week, the blocked friend called me and then, while walking home, sent a very 'diabolical' message claiming to wish me well and I felt furious reading it. I didn't cry. I just felt relieved that everything was over, even when I find myself missing them.
Maybe I'll elaborate on this point another day. My counsellor said that this experience has meaning, and it shouldn't be merely an anecdote.
True, but I'm not the best writer or reflector, lol.
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| Everyone had to wait twenty extra minutes for me to stuff chocolate chips into these cookies lol |
Despite adoring the lemon yuzu cupcakes, that first week was actually terrible, though at no fault of the baking studio.
I was supposed to have a partner who’d help me but they didn’t! They apparently decided that helping the instructor was a more productive use of their time, and thus I was alone the whole time. The neighbouring auntie had to step in and help me, including giving me some of their extra icing. They're the reason why I have green and blue icing in my cupcakes.
Not only that, this 'partner' took my cupcakes without doing any work to help me! What the heck!
This plus my general rocky patch with my friendships at the time made that whole experience 'not great', to put it kindly, but I survived and there's something beautiful in that. I could be zoning out, struggling to follow basic instructions, on the verge of tears and still do something!
Regardless, things looked up from then on, when I had (1) an actual reliable partner who indulged me by taking pictures and letting me have fun, (2) the 'partner' stopped showing up, and (3) a new rotation of friendly and knowledgeable trainers.
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| These cookies were diabolical. They eventually melted together into one black, charcoal mess! They still tasted very buttery, though. |
In all my years of life, I don’t recall ever feeling this way, but here I am, I guess. I felt ashamed as well, because I wanted to enjoy the moment since I knew this wouldn't last. That said, I knew as well that my circumstances weren't exactly 'normal' either, so now I feel guilty for not being kinder to myself... Anyway, all that spiralling's to say that it was all a doozy.
As for something more concrete, for the first week while going home, I remembered feeling sad that I had no one to share these beautiful desserts with. As in:
Won’t it be nice to have friends to share these things with?
Won’t it be nice to have people to grab dinner with after these baking classes? Eight classes, hence eight friends, or maybe a few people over and over again?
Won’t it be nice to spend some of that precious time with someone?
I felt this strong ache, this lack that I wanted someone to share my life with. I felt that I didn't have friends I could ask to go out, following some circumstances that I can't be bothered to explain now. A part of me felt missing and very unsettled, so I was reaching for a source of comfort that my nervous system only knew how—companionship, but was very upset upon knowing I had no one to immediately fulfil that ache and soothe my nervous system.
Then, I realised something in the coming weeks when things got better.
Perhaps I only feel this way because I can't find meaning in the present. It's a real privilege to have a life so wonderful in the present moment, that I don't feel the need to find other people to validate it and/or make me feel better, even if it's on paper.
Maybe that's the beautiful part of existing. It sure is lovely to have a witness, but I guess it's also nice to have little dates that are just for me. To share in my joy with someone, is to give a little bit of it away. I don't think I'm quite ready for that level of vulnerability yet.
I could be inhaling copium, and I'm nowhere near healed or enlightened, but I've been realising that it's freeing to give all my energy to my present moment and then going home to rest. It's lonely, but at least I'm not losing hair, feeling nauseous or tight-chested whenever I get anxious. I guess I have that much going for me nowadays.
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| Getting icing on my lemon pound cake |
It's a genuine thought, too. Maybe the temporary burst of selfishness is my sub-consciousness giving myself the permission to finally just give myself little gifts. Plus, those chocolate muffins were so delicious. They made my every morning a million times happier, and that counts. So yeah, I got over my initial hesitance haha
My favourite things from this baking experience were the chocolate muffins with raspberry jam filling and lemon pound cake with coffee and chocolate.
The chocolate muffins tasted exactly like the kind from Starbucks, and the jam was that perfect sour touch to the whole experience, and the crumble on top was delightful.
The lemon pound cake featured, well, lemon, but the icing was slightly acidic from the lime juice we used with the icing sugar. A very gorgeous cake and perfect for a slower morning.
As for the cookies, I fear I might not be able to finish it all. I love the chocolate chip cookies in my earlier gif. They're crunchy, and it had a slightly burnt taste. The chocolate chips really gave it a perfect bite. The cat cookies were a fan-favourite among the people I gave it to. They all said it was buttery.
My real favourite are the biscotti cookies. They tasted like bread, not too sweet, but very addictive!
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| Hairnets sure are a little strange |
What do I want to now that everything's over?
Something I learned from the first week was that sometimes having no partner is better than a terrible one. It's not just my experience, but I noticed that sometimes your partner can hijack the whole baking process and you won't get to do anything. That's no fun, either, right?
Lately, it seems I'm too tired to compare myself to others. I'm on my own path, my own healing journey and I have my own lessons to learn. I have a story that's mine alone to write, and I want to focus on that. Sure everyone's ahead of me in some way, but I guess it's better late than never. I yearn for the day where my nervous system can finally rest and not be so, well, nervous.
These eight weeks have been a reflection of how my friendships have, for the most part, fallen apart, while also offering the chance for me to rebuild my own sense of self that's based on solo dates and a lot of nights surviving my own crash outs and self-doubt.
May the next set of eight weeks be better than the last.
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| These gifs are so fun! |
